


Perttu's Adventure In Middle Earth

by Jassanja



Category: Apocalyptica, Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-14
Updated: 2010-06-14
Packaged: 2017-10-10 03:00:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/94733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jassanja/pseuds/Jassanja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perttu goes to Middle Earth in the hopes of seeing a Balrog</p>
            </blockquote>





	Perttu's Adventure In Middle Earth

**Author's Note:**

> Dear Tolkien purists, don't read this, run! This is absolutely no story for you, since this is total Crack.  
> Elrond, Elladan and Elrohir are based on their 2004 Theatrical Muse incarnation, and there they where not named "The Mad Lords of Imladris" without reason.
> 
> Basically:  
> \- Lord Elrond is drinking his wine cellar empty since his wife come back from the west, his twin brother is suddently found alive again and he learned that he got Lord Celeborn pregnant
> 
> \- Elrohir has become a shaman
> 
> \- Elladan gave up becoming a healer like his father, and instead has set out to become Arda's greatest Chef. Unfortunately hardly anyone agrees with him that Orc is delicious
> 
>  
> 
> ***********
> 
> This is the result of the bunny I "stole" from Gaia, so blame her.. again! Ehm.... actually it is kind of a gift for her as well
> 
> Thanks to Corry and Baka for looking things over.

Perttu had finally arrived in Middle-Earth.

After Paavo had refused to drive him there, he simply took the bus. It wasn't as comfortable but he would not let this chance at a nice trip to the world of his dreams let pass by.

Unfortunately there was no stop anywhere near where one could find a balrog, so he choose to get off at the Imladris stop.

The tourist information board of the Last Homely House advised the guided tours by Lord Elrond's twin sons, and Perttu thought that it would be a good idea to ask those two, how one could get to see balrogs.

He asked around, and finally, after almost getting run down by a horse, being mistaken for a farmer by a maid, and interrupting Master Erestor in the library, Perttu found Elladan and Elrohir down in the kitchen.

He just wasn't sure if he should believe what his eyes showed him.

One of the twins was concentrating on moving around plates without actually touching them. His glowing eyes were evidence enough that he had something to do with it. The other one was engrossed in his work of arranging pieces of roasted meat on a plate, while he tried to blow strands of short-shorn hair out of his eyes without having to touch them with his soiled hands.

"Ehm... terve... I mean... suliad?" finally Perttu decided that he needed to make them aware of his presence.

"Suliad," said the one with the glowing eyes while he put the plates down. Then he got up and moved to the door to motion Perttu in. "I am Elrohir, and this is my brother Elladan. And who are you?"

"Perttu Kivilaakso, this is my first time in Middle-earth"

"Ah, a traveller from Earth then, " Elrohir smiled at him. "Do you like it here?"

"I only just arrived, but I guess I will like it a lot. I read the books all the times. I came because I want to see a real balrog, and wanted to ask you guys if you know where I can find one?"

Finally Elladan looked up from his task and at Perttu as well. "There are not many left, but I guess we could show you." He presented the plate with the food to Perttu." Care for some food?"

Before Elrohir could warn him Perttu had already taken some of the meat and was happily chewing on it.

"That's good, what is it?" he asked with his mouth still half full.

"Roasted orc of course," said Elladan.

Perttu spat out what he still had in his mouth. "What ? Are you try to poison harmless tourists or making a joke?"

Elrohir rolled his eyes and then put a hand on Perttu's shoulder. "Unfortunately this is no joke, my brother is obsessed with the thought that orc is the greatest delicacy one could find. Thankfully he usually only poisons himself."

Elladan decided that it was for the best to change the subject. "Well, about that balrog of yours, sure we can show you, but I have to warn you, it is dangerous to go there. Can you handle a sword?"

"Er ... no. But I can handle a bow!" with that he took one of his bow out of sworsp.... bowspace, and swished it around in front of the twins.

"The moves are impressive indeed, but I think we should give you a fewâ€¦ hints, so you will really be able to defend yourself with it. Come"

The twins lead Perttu into another part of their father's house, the armoury to be exact. After a lot of rummaging through weapons that had not seen battle since the time of the Last Alliance, Elrohir found a thin but sharp blade that they could draw in the bow instead of its normal hair.

Not believing that the blade was really sharp Perttu had to rub his finger over it, getting himself a bloody cut. The twins just laughed at it and took him over to the stables to get the horses.

The ride was a fast one, and when they arrived high up a snowy mountain top, Perttu did not know how they had managed it so fast or why he had had no problems staying on top of his horse. If this had anything to do with Elrohir's glowing eyes and new-found talents, then Perttu had no suspicion about it. He was here to see a real balrog and that was all he wanted to think about.

They dismounted and soon found an entrance into a big cave. A stony slope brought them further down into the mountain. "This must have been build by a dragon ages ago, before the balrog came and took over the place."

"So there really is a balrog down there?" Perttu was all bouncy with excitement.

"Yes, so it appears. You see the curving in the stone? That must have been made with a fire sword they normally use in fight"

Perttu touched the deep line in the stone walls. "Wow", then he took out his camera and made some pictures. "I can't wait to show all this to the people who told me to get back a hold on reality, because this is real"

They moved further in, downward into the heart of the cave. And at the end of the path they found it, the sleeping balrog. Even in the long years of his rest it had its wings stretched out from one wall to the other. His sword laid in front of the hands on the floor, ready for a swift grip, while the flamy whip was on a strap to the creatures side.

"Wow, " Perttu was too stunned from the enormous size the balrog had in reality to say much more and so he kept to just ogle it.

"We should go now, before we accidentally wake it and get in trouble," Elrohir warned.

"Yes, yes, but first I need a picture of it." Perttu was already fumbling with his camera again.

"You best get beside it, and I make the picture of you both," offered Elladan.

"Great idea", Perttu almost glowed with excitement when he handed the camera over to the older twin and then stepped beside the balrog, not sure if he should put his hands on it or just stand beside one of the wings.

"I don't think that this is a wise thing to do" Elrohir spoke in the voice of reason.

"Don't act like such a first age elf, and at least step out of my way"

Elladan shoved his brother to the side, and with that set off a chain reaction of unlucky happenings. Elrohir held on Elladan's arm bringing them both out of balance, and the flash of the camera went off, blinding Perttu, so that he stumbled over the sword in front of the balrog. There was enough racket to wake the death, or in this case, the balrog.

Our three adventures let out a good synchronised scream high enough to do any fan of the Kelly Family justice.

While the balrog let out a roar itself, got to his legs and stretched his wings, our brave heroes did not even think for one moment that they could fight the beast, they just ran for their life, up the slope and out the mountain. The ground was shaking as the heavy beast stomped after them, the glow from its internal fire illuminating the way from behind them, stretching the shadows even bigger.

They reached their horses the same time the balrog reached them.

Elrohir teleported them back to Imladris, but since the balrog had already reached for Perttu's hair it got transported with them. But unlike our not-so-brave heroes it was not prepared for the sudden change of scenery. Flapping his wings it set up into the air and circled over the last homely house, fire bursting from under his skin.

"Elllllaaadaaaan! Ellllllroooohiiiir!" Lord Elrond's voice boomed through the halls, before he walked in in a hurry.

"Is that thing flying over the valley right now, what I think it is?"

"Most likely, yes, if you think that it is a balrog" said Elladan meekly.

"And pray tell, how comes such a beast, in such a heated state and temper here?"

"It was kind of an accident" tried Elrohir to explain.

"Ahh, an accident. Then you two handle the situation, and get rid of your accident. Tell me when your done, you will find me down in the wine cellar" and with that the lord of the valley rushed away again, likely to drink himself silly.

"Oops", said Elladan. "Did not plan to let it go that far."

Twelve hours later, with a little help from Lord Glorfindel, the balrog was defeated and half of Lord Elrond's house destroyed.

Perttu himself was not a happy little cellist. He had had no real part in the fight, besides from hiding and shaking with fear. The whole balrog hunting experience had gone totally wrong, and had not been in the least like he had wished it to be. Moping he sat down under a half burned tree until the twins were once again at his side and falling exhausted into the crispy grass. They had tried to persuade their father out of his wine cellar, but unluckily Lord Elrond had not been drunk enough just yet. A short look at the smoking ruin of his house had been enough to have him spinning on his heels and run down again, muttering about this being the right time to open that last bottle of first age miruvor.

"Balrogs aren't so much fun after all", Perttu said after a long silence.

"Oh, there is always Rrraurrrrg, he is nice to cuddle."

Elrohir snorted at his brother's words. "Don't you think you are to old for that doll?"

"Not as long as you won't spend a night without Enntie in your arms," Elladan shot back with determination, making Elrohir blush in front of their new friend.

"Never mind .. Anyway Perttu, perhaps you should go to Minas Tirith. Lord Fiery-Whip is part of the stewards council. He's a balrog too, and prides himself to be tame."

Perttu's hazel eyes had gone wide. "There is a balrog in Minas Tirith? How can King Elessar accept that?"

Both of the twins just grinned at him.

"Let's say, that dear Estel was not too happy when he first found out, but he got used to him. But you should have seen that first time he had to lead a conference with the council, and Lord Fiery-Whip preened his wings right under his nose."

Elladan was giggling too. "Or that other time when Estel had to tell him, that it was not an acceptable solution to burn the street down, so that......"

It dawned on Perttu that perhaps Middle Earth wasn't the way he always had imagined it, and for once he was grateful for his ability to just faint....

The end


End file.
